If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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