I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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