I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
