is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
