Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
