last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
