i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
