Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
