saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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