I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
