My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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