Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
