Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
