is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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