well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
