Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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