My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
