am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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