I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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