I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
