my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
