i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
