Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
