I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
