what day is it and did you see me today?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
