I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
