My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
