The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
