And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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