Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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