I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
