Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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