Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
