I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
operation have a gay friend backfired
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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