Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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