Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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