You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
