Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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