I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
