Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
