Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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