I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
