Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
