Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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