i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
