I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
