hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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