I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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