I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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