I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
